How we’re doing
I volunteered to write a blog so y’all can know how we are doing. I’m not exactly sure how to start this. Usually when I write a prayer letter or blog, I try to start with something engaging. But honestly I don’t feel like being engaging right now. So i’ll just tell you how we are. It feels very strange to have so many people wondering how our little (and relatively insignificant in the scheme of things) team is doing. It’s encouraging, but a little weird too.
Yesterday was the longest and most stressful day of my life up to this point. It started when I received a call in the middle of our weekly staff meeting from another staff on our team who wasn’t attending the meeting telling us that 1 was killed and 8 injured. So we turned on the tv, and watched horrified as the truth of it all came out in waves. First, only 1 dead, then all the sudden 20?! I felt as if i’d been punched in the gut. Most of us were to much in shock and disbelief to cry, or do anything really but curse or stare at the tv and answer our phones that rang off the hook from concerned friends and family. Strangely, I had had a dream the night before about a gunman mowing people down at random, but I actually have disturbing dreams like that often, so I forgot about it until the middle of the day. I heard about one of our students who witnessed his entire class blown away, and he alone was unharmed (physically). I was sickened to think about what he endured and will continue to remember for the rest of his life. I had to call all my girls to find out if they were alive. That was a very sobering and surreal time. I never thought i’d have to do something like that. Our director’s birthday is this week, so we had cake at dinner time, which was a nice happy break. However, our happy birthday song was probably the most pitiful of all time.
Yesterday I felt numb and in shock. Today I am overwhelmed with sadness and stress. I woke up this morning to the radio playing messages from students and community members just kind of sharing their experience and how they were feeling, and read a few messages from some famous country singers, and were just talking about the event. The adrenaline of yesterday had subsided, and I was just left with the reality of what had happened. I also found out first thing this morning that one of the students in our movement was confirmed dead. I was anxious for but also dreading finding out the names, and it was a terrible moment. We had some regional and national CCC staff come to help us through this time, so we met up with them at our office and just shared how we were doing. Our team is very close and very much a family, so it was great for us all to be together and process a little together. We expressed fears about being clueless about how to respond, feeling pressured by the media attention we’ve gotten, we cried, prayed. I wish we could have done that for longer. Moving into “work mode” was excruciating for me. I keep thinking, how can I minister and love and care for these students, when I need those things myself?
Last night we had a prayer time with our students and those from the baptist college ministry here. The students seem to be experiencing a range of emotions. At that time, most names of the dead had not been released, but the students knew some of their friends who were missing. Some were weeping, some were just still so numb and shocked. But the prevailing thing I see among the students and the entire community is just an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Today it seems like people haven’t been talking as much. It’s just been quiet. I mean, what can you say? There’s no need to ask, “how are you?” as we customarily do more as a greeting than out of an actual desire to know the answer to that question. We already know the answer. We’re all doing terrible.
We have confirmation that three of our students have been killed, and one other unofficially. We also know of three other survivors but witnesses to people being murdered. I knew three of the four students personally who died. In fact, I spoke with two of the girls just Sunday about their bible study leader applications for next year. One of the dead was led by one of the girls I lead. I called her, and we just cried on the phone together after hearing the news. Again, there just aren’t any words. I’ve heard students say that they feel like their feeling of safety has been yanked out from under them. Blacksburg is an incredibly safe town. Sometimes, Paul and I leave our door unlocked at night, and when we wake up its like “eh, oops”. No big deal. Everyone feels very safe here, especially in their classes! Having that taken away dramatically has been really painful and very scary.
You may be wondering what we’re doing to help our students through this time. Honestly, it is so fresh that most of us haven’t even thought this far, and are wanting to process and grieve ourselves. Thankfully, we received some grief counciling resources to help us. Here is a copy of part of what we received that I thought was really helpful right now:
1. Recognizing the event has occurred. Work with your campus public relations office to release a general statement about the incident and its anniversary. You can also coordinate candlelight vigils and hold prayer meetings (if appropriate for your campus culture). In fact, student organizations are often willing to plan and implement these types of events.
2. Getting students talking! Whether you ring in counselors to hold mini-discussions in he residence halls or frame the discussion as art of a public forum, it is important to get
students talking about their feelings and concerns. Encourage faculty not to ignore the issue in their classrooms—especially since some traumatic events and crises may be relevant to course readings and discussion. Initial conversations may already have occurred—just be sure that the talking continues as students face different coping needs.
3. Encouraging students to volunteer. Often students feel as if the only way they can help is by volunteering for a cause. This seems to be especially important in times of local, national, or global crisis. For example, students at colleges and universities throughout the Southern Appalachian Region often collect items for the victims of flooding in local communities. Depending upon the circumstances and the type of crisis, students may also choose to give blood, hold food drives, raise funds, and/or circulate petitions.
4. Making your staff accessible. Encourage your staff members to get out of their offices and wander around campus. A visit to the residence halls is sometimes the only way you can connect with a grieving or distressed student.
5. Referring students to counseling. It is also important that student affairs administrators refer students experiencing feelings of grief to a counselor. This is especially true if students seem to be experiencing any of the symptoms of PTSD (described above). In cases of severe crisis or incidents it may also be helpful to extend the hours of your counseling center.
Thank you for your prayers and support. We feel very encouraged and loved right now!